Don't Mess With ATC

When I fly IFR, the folks at the Chicago Tracon are typically brisk and professional. No time for chitchat or lengthy callbacks, what with all the big iron they're moving around. It's not that they don't have a sense of humor though.

Actual transmissions heard at the O'Hare TRACON

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."

"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."

"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."

"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."

Don't make them mad. They can route you the long way through Gary, Indiana.